Category: Jokes Page 1 of 2

As two men wearing pilots’ uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

The plane starts barrelling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.

“You know,” says one pilot to the other, “one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re gonna die.”

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else…

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

The first one says; “I’ll have some H2O.”

The second says; “I’ll have some water too. But why’d you order it like that? We aren’t at work.”

The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot failed.

Dear Sir or Madam,

We are writing to you because you have violated copyright …

After the first few days I’m the trenches, his lieutenant calls the group together and says “Men, today is the day we take the fight to the Germans. Ready yourselves as we are going to go over the walls and take the enemy trench and send every German we can to hell!”

The new private looks at him embarrassed and say, “Sir….I’ve lost my rifle sir.” The officers looks at him and very seriously tells him ge can charge without a rifle and leaves. The new private is then freaking out knowing he is going to die there on the field. His sergeant comes up asks if he wants to survive the charge, “Of course I do!” He screams back.

“We’ll all you have to do is…” The sergeant raises his hands and makes the shape of two ‘handguns’,one behind the other “put your hands like this and if you see a German, point your ‘gun’ at them and say BANGITY BANGBANGBANG!!” The private looks at him and disbelief and says he has to be joking. “You can do without a rifle, or you kill people this way, it’s up to you.”

The lieutenant come back and says it’s time to go and sounds the charge. They soldiers all go over the wall screaming and shooting. As they run across the field, the private spies a German shooting and points his gun at him and yells “BANGITY BANG BANG BANG!!” And to his utter disbelief the German falls over dead. Dumbfounded he aims at another German and repeats “BANGITY BANG BANG BANG!!” And again the soldier does instantly. The private has a huge grin and runs faster and keeps ‘shooting’ and the enemy trench is taken.

After a short rest, and he sees the sergeant and says, “You won’t believe this, it actually worked!” He says he told the private so and moves on to check on the other men. As he is leaving, the private sees a lone German soldier, slowly walking over a hill a little ways in front of the newly squired trench and tells his comrades to watch him kill this German with no weapon. He lines up his ‘gun’ and shouts “BANGITY BANG BANG BANG!” But the German keeps walking forward. Confused, he tries again “BANGITY BANG BANG BANG!!”. Again, nothing. He climbs out of the trench, runs the distance to be just 20 feet in front of the slow-walking German and screams at the top of his lungs “BANGITY BAMG BANG BANG!!!!” Nothing happens.

To his surprise he feels a bump in his stomach and then falls over and feels his feel being squeezed into the ground, as if something is squishing him into the ground. And the last thing the soldier hears before he dies is the German quietly whispering “Tankity tank tank tank…..”

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life” But John came fifth, and won a toaster

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.
First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.

Second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: “Guys, I think I fucked up.”

…are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.”

The Frenchman thinks “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”